I grew up in a home where I struggled to feel accepted and fought for my parent's affection. When I was two years old, my divorced mother, remarried. Everything seemed normal at first, but slowly her husband started losing his temper on a regular basis over what seemed like the smallest of issues. He also began to play mind games with Mom. This quickly led to him being physically and verbally abusive to her. He and I got along fine at first, but before long, he began to get angry with me for just about anything, and eventually he found something wrong with everything that I did. It seemed that I could never do anything good enough for him.
Although I experienced this abuse on a regular basis, I still fought for his approval. I felt that if I could be "good enough", maybe things would get better. So, I tried to live the kind of life that would make any father proud. My picture of this person was an excellent student, who was not only involved in multiple clubs in and out of school, but also one that held a leadership role in these clubs. From the outside, all anyone saw was a smile, but on the inside, I was pushing myself to the point of no return.
When I was in the 6th grade I made the last 'C' on a report card ever. While discussing this report with him, I tried to defend myself by saying that a 'C' is average. He then asked me a question that has haunted my thoughts for years, "How does it feel to be average, how does it feel to be a loser?" A week later I found myself alone in my room wondering why I was even alive and convincing myself that everyone would be better if I wasn't around. I counted out 36 pills, got a glass of Kool-Aid and went to bed expecting to have found the perfect release for my heartache and final relief for my parents from the disappointment I continued to cause them.
When I woke up the next morning, I was devastated. How could I have failed at this too? Physically and emotionally, I felt worse than I had ever felt before, but I couldn't possible share this failure with anyone. So, for the three days that it took my body to begin to recover from this poison, I pretended to have the stomach flu. Although on the outside, I was beginning to look normal again, on the inside, my heart was bleeding with hurt and disappointment.
Although my mom and I had gone to church since I was about 5, I had no idea what it meant to 'give your heart to Jesus' or 'have a relationship with Him'. However, that year a new girl transferred to my school and we became great friends. She was different than anyone I had ever met. She brought her bible to school everyday and talked about God and Jesus like they were real people! I longed for the peace and the joy she had. One Sunday, after spending the night with her we went to her church. During the youth pastor's sermon my heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest as he told us how Jesus died for my sins and wanted (yes, He actually WANTED) a relationship with ME. He asked us all to close our eyes and pray a simple prayer with Him asking Jesus into our hearts. It was at that moment that I got a taste of the joy that my friend seemed to have. I could not stop crying but I was so happy at the same time.
I began to see how God had been with me through everything. I went to a small, rural high school where the cool crowd went to church, didn't drink or party, and premarital sex was unheard of. I can see now that God was protecting me and my life by giving me friends that didn't even want to rebel. My friends knew the struggles I faced at home and supported me in so many ways.
I still felt worthless
at home so I would throw myself into different arenas hoping to
excel enough to find value. Through the rest of high school, I
continued to fight for my dad's approval. In 1996, I graduated
valedictorian of my senior class, received multiple awards for
outstanding academic achievement and received a full scholarship to
During my sophomore year of college, I moved into an apartment with three of my best friends where we began to meet many new people from diverse backgrounds. I thought because we had Christ, we would leave unscathed by harm or temptation. Boy did I have a lot to learn. We began going to clubs, throwing parties and drinking several nights a week.
Not long after moving in, I met a guy who was nice, polite, helpful and hot. Up to that point I had kept my promise to remain pure until marriage. However, based on the advice of some of my friends, "pure" became a grey area. We teased and flirted and eventually made our way to the bedroom. We fooled around a bit but I would never submit to going all the way with him. Yet those lapses in judgment allowed me to get in a position I did not want to be in.
One night while throwing a party I drank way too much and passed out. I woke up to find myself in my boyfriend's bedroom. He was on top of me, having sex with me as I fell in and out of consciousness crying, "no". The morning after it happened, my whole body ached. I felt dirty and alone. Even with my clothes on, I felt naked. I showered and went back to my apartment where I cried and slept the rest of the day.
At first, I didn't think that I had been raped. I wasn't accosted in a dark alley by a stranger in a ski mask. My rape did not look or feel like the after-school cliché Lifetime movie scenarios that I had seen so many times before. "I'll be fine", I thought, "just one day at a time...no one needs to know". In fact, not until about 12 years later did I actually say out loud that I had been raped. Soon after that incident I pulled away from the relationship and just told my roommates that I wasn't into him anymore. The sorrow I felt over what I believed was my fault was so intense that I nearly took my own life. I felt that I had failed God so miserably that I could not live with my sin.
One morning while sitting alone in my apartment, those same horrible thoughts came flooding back that I had experienced at 12 years old. I could not think of even one reason that I should not end my life. So, I wrote a letter apologizing for being such a failure and told them I couldn't live with bringing anyone any more pain.
Satan had fed me so many lies that I began to doubt every aspect of my life. So much that, I even doubted God's plans for creating me. It was my intention to drive to a secluded area, feed the car exhaust into my Explorer, take some sleeping pills and use the remaining gas in the truck to end my life. Thankfully, as it turns out, God had other plans for me. As I was trying to find "the right" secluded area and crying almost uncontrollably, God remained steadfast in His purpose for my life. As I sat and cried for hours, God was comforting my heart and moving the hearts of many friends to realize that I was in trouble. It is only by His grace and the love of some very special friends who stood in the gap for me, that I am here today.
During my healing process, I did not see that the support I received from so many friends was God pouring His love out on me through them. It is important to allow people into your life and to let them love you. Often we go through trials and tribulations alone because we are too ashamed and afraid of what others will think of us. Fortunately I have had friends who have encouraged me and have held a tight grip on me as I came back into relationship with Christ. These friends God has given me literally save my life.
Through all of this, God has given me a passion to show others just how precious they are to Him, to help them understand how real He is, and to keep them from believing the same lies that Satan tried to convince me of. My heart is burdened for everyone to experience God in His full glory and have them see themselves, as they truly are, a display of His splendor.
I can see now that what Satan intended to use to destroy me growing up, God is using for His glory. Isaiah 61:3 promises "He gives a crown of beauty for our ashes." He never lets an ash fall in your life that He cannot produce beauty from. He has taken years of hurt and pain and turned them into a desire to share His love with others and show them how passionate He is about them.
With
every fiber of my being I pray that you can begin to understand the
depth and the breadth of the love that God has for you. As you
have read in my past, without that understanding, not only did LIFE
SUCK, it was simply not worth living. If you have never felt
that love or doubt any part of it, please talk with your pastor, a
trusted adult, or contact
one
of us here at LSGG.