LIFE SUCKS. GET GOD.

Kelly's Story

I grew up as a member of a respected family in a small community in NC. My childhood was spent going to church, swimming at the pool, riding horses, and hanging out at my grandparents lake house. Life was pretty good until my father divorced my mom, and left my sister and me feeling like we were all alone too. He was busy with his new life and rarely had time for us. Looking back, I can see that this was the beginning of a long and painful cycle of trying to ease the hurt and the void that I felt when my parents separated.

I don't remember exactly how it happened but I found myself hanging around with a whole new crowd of friends. You see my old friends had a mother and a father, and they were still hanging out at the country club pool, but now I really only had a mom and she couldn't afford food and clothes for us, much less a pool membership. My new friends smoked cigarettes in the bathroom at school and behind the gym. So, I decided to try it; after all, everyone I hung out with was doing it. They also introduced me to drinking alcohol. Never mind that I was at least 6 years younger than the legal drinking age.

The drinking and smoking were fine, but after a while they just weren't enough to fill that void anymore so I started experimenting with drugs. I remember one night being so out of it that I tried to cross the 4 lane highway to get from Burger King to where I thought our car was. Thankfully, someone pushed me into the grass, and out from in front of that 18 wheeler going about 60 mph down the road. Looking back on my life, I thank God that I am not dead or in prison.

As with the cigarettes and drinking, soon the drugs weren't filling that void either, so I turned to boys. For the first time in a long time, I felt loved and cared for (at least temporarily). We'd get together get drunk and high and have sex. Everything felt so right again. I had found that love I so longed for. That only lasted a few weeks until I found out my boyfriend had many girlfriends and I really wasn't even considered one of them. This hurt me very badly. All I could think about was how to lessen the pain in my heart and gain that sense of love and acceptance back. That feeling is what I longed for.

Well, I searched for that with boyfriend after boyfriend, drink after drink and drug after drug and each time it ended the same way. Me all alone, feeling guilty about my choices, and wishing I was someone else or no one for that matter. If only I could be prettier or cooler or whatever, he would love me. I continued this cycle until one day everything I knew came to a grinding halt when I found out that at age 16, I was pregnant. However, crazier than the fact that I was pregnant, I was actually happy about this baby. I was so happy because I thought, "finally I will have someone who will love me and accept me for me. This baby won't have a choice but to love me, I am his mother."

I quit school and went to work. My father encouraged me to get married. So there I was, having the wedding of my dreams. You know the fairy tale, shotgun wedding at the Justice of the Peace with no family or friends in attendance and a beautiful wedding album with 3 pictures of my new husband (whom I barely knew) and me (5 months pregnant).

Well, fairy tale or not, Christopher was born on August 15^th, 2 months premature (this is very common in low income, teen pregnancies). I was released from the hospital, but he had to stay. I spent most of this time working, but each day I went to see him, feed him, and love on him in the hospital. He was in a warming area with oxygen tubes and heart monitors hooked up. Finally, when he was about 6 weeks old he got to come home with us. Once he was home, everything I did revolved around Christopher and my husband. My day started at 5:30am (whether I had slept that night or not). I would drop my husband off at work, take Christopher to my grandmother's, and then I would head to my job at the factory to turn cushion covers right side out for the next 9 hours. When we got home at night, I would cook dinner, feed Christopher, clean up, make bottles, do laundry, feed Christopher again, make our lunches, and go to bed, only to wake up and do it all again the next day.

This routine went on for a few months, until one morning I woke up to find my sweet boy; the only person that I felt loved me, lying lifeless in his crib. He died of SIDS at only 5 months old. I would like to tell you more about this experience, but I truly do not have any real memory of anything about the next few days. I do however, know that I never returned to our mobile home (my grandmother and mom cleaned it out and sold it), I never returned to my husband, and I never went back to that factory. I knew I had to do something different.

I moved in with my aunt and went back to night school to get my high school diploma. This was a big success for me at the time, but even that didn't fill my void. I went back to looking for love in all the wrong places. I promise, no matter how many times you look to drugs, alcohol and sex for your love, acceptance and your self worth, you will never, ever find it! Some time passed, and even though I didn't realize it then, God continued to protect me and open doors for me. He protected me from drug addiction, jail time, and even death, each of which I should have experienced at least once.

My grandmother (the same one that had kept Christopher for me to work) suggested that I go into the military. For once, I heeded her advice, and enlisted in the Navy when I was 18 ½ years old. This turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. The Navy gave me structure, guidelines, and boundaries, which I so desperately needed. They paid me more money than I had ever made, and anytime they sent me to do something different, they gave me a plan of action. Finally, I was making some sense out of my life.

While in New Orleans (that's where I was stationed most of the time), I met my husband, Shawn, who was also in the Navy. After our 4 year commitment with the Navy was over, we moved to Georgia , where we encouraged each other to go to college. We spent 2 years at the community college, and went on to graduate from the University of Georgia in 1998.

We moved to Jacksonville, FL that same year and a friend took us to church. We weren't so sure about the whole church thing, but I pulled from my early childhood church experiences, and eventually we found and joined a church family. Since that time we have been blessed over and over again. We have 2 beautiful daughters, Ashley and Sarah Grace. My husband and I have grown so much closer to Christ and to each other and our children through our church, weekly bible studies, and our small group. It's not always easy; we have struggles just like everyone. Many of my struggles stem back to those dark teenage years.

In 2007, I was asked to give my testimony to the middle and high school girls at my church. Even though I knew it might open their eyes to the consequences of premarital sex, underage drinking, and drug use, I still struggled with how they would perceive me and if they would even want to be around me after they knew everything that I had done.

I am convinced that my true healing began at that very moment when I listened to God and trusted Him enough to put myself out there for all of those girls to see. Since that time, I have become a high school small group leader and have worked on as many high school and college aged spiritual weekends as possible.

I finally found that love and acceptance that I searched so desperately for. I finally realized that God was there with me the whole time. All I had to do was look to Him for His unfailing love and all encompassing acceptance and forgiveness. You see, it doesn't really matter where you came from or what you've done, Christ died for you and me the same way and for the same reasons that he died for all of those others that seem to have it together.

I pray that you never feel that abandonment that I felt, but if you do, I pray that you will accept the love and forgiveness from Jesus Christ who will sustain you. Whether you see it or not, whether you feel it or not, and whether you believe it or not, you were created in Christ's image, He loves you, He knows you, and He forgives you no matter who you are or what you have done.

If you are struggling with these or similar issues, please contact a trusted Christian adult that has the reputation of offering solid Christian advice. LSGG would love to hear your story and would be honored to talk with you about starting a recovery program in your area or at your college or university. Please contact us.